Where Am I?

In August, 2001 I was 18 years old. It was my freshman year of college and I was sitting in an auditorium full of a few hundred, maybe a thousand, fellow freshmen listening to some quasi important business somebody or other trying to motivate us to do our very best in college and not waste time. I don’t remember much of what he said to be honest. It didn’t really resonate. I do remember that one of the first things he asked was “Why are you here?” Why had we decided to go to college? He provided us with the standard freshman answers. He said things like “I’m here because my parents are making me, or because I didn’t know what else to do.” With a mock macho lilt to his voice he bellowed “I’M HERE TO PLAY SPORTS!!!” Then standing primly he sighed sweetly “I’m here to find my future husband,” imitating the girls we jokingly said were working on their MRS degrees. Finally he stood straight and said “I’m here to find myself” then he threw his hands in the air and said “I’ll find you! You’re right there! Give ME the money!!”

 

I don’t know why I was at college. At the time I remember being very certain about a lot of things. I had a theatre scholarship because I thought I wanted to be an actor and I had convinced some people I was pretty good. I definitely wasn’t one of the MRS girls (or so I tell myself). In reality I didn’t know what else to do and college was fine. I definitely wasn’t there to find myself. I was 18 and knew everything. I certainly knew myself.

 

Now that I’m 30, married to the love of my lfie, and a mom to my sweet little Pumpkin Pie, I realize I didn’t know anything, least of all myself. Maybe I knew myself back then and have lost myself since I don’t know. I know I like to cook and I want to get better at it. I recently tried making bread and it was disastrous. Right now I make a few things fairly well but I want to broaden my horizons. I want to bake bread, I want to master pizza crust, and try macaroons. If it’s there, I want to make it and I want it to be good. I consider myself a nerd, I love movies, comic books, TV shows, and novels. I’m one of those Doctor Who fans currently taking the world by storm but I liked Who before everybody liked Who so I’m the superior Who fan. Obviously. I’m crafty, but in a very unfocused way. I have about a dozen different unfinished projects in a tub in my closet and they’re not even the same thing. I quilt, I crochet, I paint, I sew, I cross stitch, I scrapbook (badly), I used to be a pretty good cake decorator. I just really want to create ALL THE THINGS! I live in the 4^th largest metropolitan area in North America (or so I’ve been told) and I really want to make the most of it. I grew up in a small town in southern Utah and spent a lot of time complaining about being bored. Now I have everything I could ever want at my fingertips and I spend my days in a recliner watching Supernatural reruns while my daughter sleeps. I want to go and do and find and experience. I want to take Pumpkin Pie out into the world and show her great things so she doesn’t grow up plugged in and living in a pretend world with pretend people that are really actually scary people. Enough of that. I want to find more time to read. I love books I love that you can turn the page and turn the world off. I collect things like pens and notebooks because I’m a little obsessed with filling blank papers with words. There’s something beautiful and hypnotic about the dark swirling lines spreading over stark white sheets of paper. I love to read and when I finish a good book, I just want to DO that. I want to create worlds, and people, and relationships, and I want them to feel real to someone else someday. I want to inspire imagination. I want someone to pick up my book instead of pick up their TV remote.

 

Saying I want to find myself is cliché and doesn’t really convey the meaning of what I’m trying to do. It’s like I’m the google earth version of me and I’d kind of like to be the street view version. I want to use this space to explore the things I love and maybe find some more things I love. I know where I am. I'm here. In my little wonderful one bedroom apartment with my husband, my baby, and two geriatric pugs and life is so sweet. Maybe I owe Mr. Quasi Important Business Somebody some money or something.